How to talk to your kids about internet safety

At a glance

• Internet safety for kids works best as an ongoing conversation, not a one-time lecture, says digital parenting expert Elizabeth Milovidov.
• When kids ask for an app, game or social platform, listen for the need behind the request — often connection or belonging — before responding.
• Use everyday online moments to discuss family tech rules, find solutions together and help kids build good judgment for future choices.

“Why can’t I have TikTok? All the other kids have it.”

I look up at my son and hold back my sigh. It is literally the third week in a row that my 11-year-old is asking for access to something that is on our no-fly list.

We discussed this as a family. We discussed why underage kids should not have access to age-specific accounts until they reach that specific age. We came to a family agreement. And here I sat (again!) having to be the bad guy, having to say no while explaining the reasons and countering some pretty wild tween logic.

“But if the parents of the other kids say it’s okay, why can’t you?”

Let me explain the irony of this situation.

I’m a digital parenting expert, and my passion is supporting families in just these types of situations. I’ve spent the past 20 years immersing myself in all things legal and digital. I practiced law in California, taught law in Paris and studied topics concerning child online protection, social media platforms, games and devices. Parents and caregivers expect me to have the answers to all their internet safety questions.

Over the years, I’ve realized that when my sons asked for an app we already talked about, it wasn’t always about the app itself. They were asking for connection. They wanted to share what their friends were watching and talking about. Once I started listening for the reason behind them wanting the app, those conversations became much more productive — and the solutions got a little more creative.

Talking to kids about internet safety works best as an ongoing conversation, not a one-time lecture. Ask about what they’re doing online, listen for what’s behind their requests and use everyday digital experiences to talk about safety, responsibility and your family’s expectations.

For example, here’s how I handled that app conversation with my son.

I calmly explained that I understand why the platform is cool to him, but internet safety for kids also means helping him learn to follow age requirements and our family agreements about tech, even when a parent isn’t looking over his shoulder.

Now here comes the twist. I tell him I understand that he wants to feel included and that his friends are forwarding TikTok videos to him and he wants to watch.

Together, we came up with a creative solution: When he wants to see something, like a TikTok video, he will forward the link to his older brother (or me) and let’s watch it together. We will then use those videos as a teaching moment on what is cool and not so cool to post.

I give myself permission to get creative, to ask other parents what works for them, to read up on best practices and to fine-tune my own family media strategies.

And time and time again, I see the proof that having what I call connected conversations with our tweens, teens and young people is the best tool in a digital parenting arsenal.

There are myriad issues facing our teens and tweens today, as they connect with friends, do their homework, create videos and flirt with their latest crush, and digital parents can always show up and listen, ask thoughtful questions, provide examples on familial expectations and values when online, and more. Parents won’t be there for every digital decision, which is why regular conversations about online safety for teens matter.

Internet safety tips for talking with kids about their online lives

Online safety for kids starts with regular, judgment-free conversations about what children are doing, seeing and experiencing online. Ask questions, listen first and use everyday digital experiences to talk about safe and responsible choices.

These are the approaches I find myself returning to again and again.

• When is a good time to start an internet safety conversation? Before you begin a conversation, make sure that everyone is fed, rested and in a relatively good mood. Imagine you’re sitting at the table and sharing dessert. Why not ask for a speed round of “Top Three Cool/Not-So-Cool Things To Do on (insert social media or gaming platform).” Or maybe instead of starting the dinner conversation with “How was your day?” change it up and ask, “How was your online day?”
• How can I get my child to open up about their online life? Listen, really listen, to what your tween or teen is saying, sharing and feeling. And demonstrate your upgraded brand of empathic listening by repeating back what you think you heard and asking if that’s what they meant. For example, “You’re frustrated that your friends have TikTok, and you don’t. Is that what you’re saying?”
• Why is being online so important to tweens and teens? Try to understand what else may be going on, and keep in mind that being a part of online activities with peers is today’s way of connecting and hanging out. For example, try to relate it to your own experiences as a teen or tween. Growing up, much of your interactions happened at school, at a mall, in a park. That’s not reality for most kids today.
• Is it okay to change a family technology rule? It is okay to change your mind after an engaging conversation where you as a family have weighed the options. When my youngest wanted to play the same game that his older brother was playing, we sat down as a family and played the game together. My eldest showed us all how to play responsibly and report or mute other players. After a few rounds, when I saw that my youngest wasn’t affected by cartoon violence and could engage in strategic thinking and action play, I said yes, with time limits, of course.
• How can I set internet safety rules my child will respect? Your tween or teen may be more likely to respect your guidance when you show them that you respect their opinion by saying things like, “I understand how cool technology is. I see how fun it can be to be on social media. I think it’s great that you get some fantastic online opportunities. Yes, I probably would have wanted to play such and such video game when I was your age too.” Then you can follow up with, “But how can we create some rules that we both agree to?”
• Should I talk to other parents about online safety? Yes, ask other parents about what works for them. You are not alone in this.

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