Promposal ideas are everywhere online. But should they be?

What is a promposal? If you’re raising teens, you’ve probably seen one — the poster board, the puns, the big surprise reveal that usually ends up shared on social media (or the local news).

For most parents today, the question usually isn’t “What is this?” It’s, “How do I help my kid do this without something going wrong?”

Why promposals can go wrong

Beyond the awkwardness of getting turned down, the curated moment might not land the way they thought it would. Or worse, the video might go too far. Suddenly, it’s not about one kid asking another to go to the prom in a special way; it’s a cringe moment that’s shared online and can become something bigger.

Social media expert Devorah Heitner, Ph.D., parent and author of Growing Up in Public, has some simple advice for any potential promposals: Think ahead about consent, privacy and intention before anything gets planned or posted. Because once a promposal goes online, it’s not just about an important high school moment for your teen. It becomes part of their digital footprint.

Before the promposal: 3 quick check-ins for your teen

Most promposals are happening with established couples. And most teens know that there’s some level of mutual interest: Friends have checked in, signals have been exchanged and there is a sense the answer will be “yes.”

Still, the public nature of a promposal can put someone on the spot in a way a private ask never would. If there’s going to be an element of surprise, such as showing up at a school game or in a classroom, encourage your teen to check that everyone is on board beforehand — especially if fambushing could be at play.

“It’s just really important that we don’t create footage of people without their consent,” says Heitner. With that in mind, remember these three check-ins:

Before they plan it, ask:

Do you know if the person you’re asking is comfortable with this being public?

Before they film it, check:

Is there anyone being recorded who hasn’t agreed to it? Are there any details visible in the video, like a school name, house number or location?

Before they post it, ask:

What is your real intention in posting this? Who is this for? Does it need to be shared publicly, or could it just be shared between friends and kept private?

Helping your teen think beyond the video

If your teen wants to make a big moment or a big video promposal, talk through the “why.”

• Does planning for a promposal feel fun and meaningful, or does it feel like something they feel pressured to do?
• Are they doing it to make someone else feel special, or are they doing it to get attention online?

Not every teen wants a big moment

Most videos that you see online feature teens who are already highly visible. These are often kids who already get attention in sports or other school activities. And other kids might not want that level of attention.

“It’s a lot of social pressure on kids,” says Heitner. “Asking someone to join you, whether it’s a friend or as a date, is stressful enough without added attention. A lot of kids are avoidant of that.”

Make sure your teens know that they don’t have to participate in trends like this, and they can still feel confident about that choice. What parents need to keep in mind:

• Don’t assume they’re missing out. If your teen seems uninterested, take that at face value. Not every teen wants a big moment.
• Low-key plans are totally normal. Remind your teen that a simple ask — or going with friends — is completely valid.

What makes a promposal work?

Promposals work when everyone involved is comfortable with how those videos will be shared.

Stephi Figueras-Mozley says her whole family got involved in her teen daughter’s promposal. Her daughter’s boyfriend surprised her at the front door with flowers and a light-up poster board saying his evening would be “un-BEAR-able” without her.

Both families agreed beforehand that they were comfortable sharing the video with family and friends on their social media — but a viral TikTok was not their goal.

It went off without a hitch with careful planning, consideration for everyone’s feelings and mutual respect.

Supporting your teen through the promposal moment

Chances are, you didn’t grow up with the pressure of snagging a viral video promposal in high school. But you did grow up navigating relationships, reputation and what it means to show up for friends. And that’s what the promposal conversation is really about: Teaching your teen how to treat their relationships — and the people in them — with care, both in real life and online.

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