Group chats are wild: What every parent should know
Group chats have everything from memes to meltdowns. Here’s how parents can help kids navigate the mayhem.
Group chats are where teens (and some adults) live today. Studies show that the average social media user is part of 83 group chats—and nearly half of teens say they’re online “almost constantly,” especially in those private, invite-only threads.
And where there’s teens, there’s drama. And group chats can quickly spiral into boundary-crossing, bullying or full-blown chaos. Unfortunately, most of it happens under the radar.
“These chats are virtual hangouts,” says Erin Pash, M.A., a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of Ellie Mental Health. “And parents need to be aware that problems can crop up in an instant, without them knowing.”
That’s why it’s best to talk with your kid about what’s happening in these digital spaces before there’s a problem. Here, Pash offers tips for talking about group chats with your teens.
Remind them that messages don’t really disappear.
Some group chat apps might say messages expire or can be deleted, but screenshots are forever. Talk to your kids about how passwords, photos and offhand comments dropped into a chat can’t be taken back after they hit send.
- A group chat rule to remember: If they wouldn’t say it to a teacher, they shouldn’t say it in a group chat.
Teach them how to spot when a group chat goes sideways.
Maybe a joke goes too far, and feelings get hurt. Or chat participants gang up on someone. Or somebody shares some information that they really shouldn’t have. Too often, kids feel pressure to respond in real time—and the quick response can make the situation worse.
One solution? Share your own stories of times when a message or conversation online made your stomach drop. Then ask them if they’ve ever felt that same feeling and role-play what to say in those moments.
Some easy phrases they can use in a group chat:
- “That makes me uncomfortable. Please don’t share things like that.”
- “I don’t want to talk about people who aren’t here.”
- “Hey, that’s not cool. Let’s change the subject.”
Be someone who’s safe to talk to.
It’s inevitable that kids will run into uncomfortable moments in chats. What matters most is that they know they can come to you when they say something they regret or experience something they wish they hadn’t.
Pash says tone is everything when it comes to encouraging that openness. “The less the child feels judged by you,” she says, “the more likely they will share concerning interactions before the situations escalate.”
Don’t know where to start? Try questions like:
- “What’s going on in your soccer team’s group chat?”
- “Anything interesting pop up on your stories or streaks today?”
This is another time when being open about your own experiences can help. Talk about times you’ve had misreads or awkward moments in texts. When kids realize you’ve been there, they’re more likely to share.
Know the signs of something going wrong.
Even with strong guidance and open communication, your child might still be in group chats that just aren’t healthy. Here’s what to be mindful of:
- Flinching or seeming anxious when notifications arrive
- Hiding their screen when you approach
- Suddenly avoiding certain friends or social groups
- Messaging late at night
- Mood swings tied to message check-ins
If you become aware of one or more of these behaviors, it’s time to get curious. Ask your kid to show you the chat and read it over together.
“Remember, you aren’t trying to embarrass them or take over,” says Pash. “It’s to have open discussion and model problem-solving while keeping them safe.”
Focus on skill-building, not monitoring.
According to Pash, families who focus on skill-building—not just screen monitoring—tend to raise more confident, resilient and digitally savvy kids.
“We’re not just teaching kids to survive group chats,” she says. “We’re helping them build the digital literacy and emotional intelligence they’ll need for the rest of their lives.”
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Teach them how to handle group chats
- Teach kids to be mindful of when something feels off—like a drop in their stomach or a sudden urge to hide their screen.
- Practice responses like “I don’t want to talk about people who aren’t in the chat.”
- Be aware of signs of trouble: flinching at notifications, hiding screens and/or mood shifts.
- Ask open-ended questions: “What’s going on in the team chat today?”
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