When digital boundaries make your child feel left out: what parents can do

You’ve done your research and decided that your child isn’t quite ready for a particular device or app. But when you set digital boundaries, the pushback begins: “Everyone else” is already using it, so your child feels left out at school.

How should parents respond? By shifting the conversation to be about giving them time to develop independence, creativity and resilience outside of their devices. These five strategies can help.

1. Listen to their pushback, even if it doesn’t change the outcome.

It’s important to acknowledge your child’s perspective, even when your decision doesn’t change.

“Avoid dismissing kids’ concerns with statements like ‘It’s just an app,’ or ‘It’s not that important,’” says digital parenting coach Elizabeth Milovidov, Ph.D. “Because in today’s world, it is more than an app—it’s how kids connect and stay in touch. And that makes it important.”

Instead of dismissing their feelings and sense of peer pressure, validate them. Let your child know that you hear and understand that digital technology plays a different role in childhood now than it did when you were growing up but that you have rules and certain digital boundaries in place for a reason.

2. Help them find their “exit line.”

Elizabeth and her 18-year-old son, Maximilian, who is a digital youth advocate, recommend role-playing these digital boundaries conversations. A short “exit line” or practiced response helps kids handle questions without feeling cornered. “My kids also know that they can always use me as their excuse for why they don’t have a particular app or device,” says Elizabeth. “I’m a get-out-of-peer-pressure card that they’re always allowed to play.”

3. Demystify the device.

When Maximilian was 11, he remembers feeling left out when his classmates asked why he didn’t have a phone. A few years later, when they asked why he didn’t use certain social media apps, his outlook had changed.

“I’d learned about [a particular app] and knew about how it worked, and I’d decided that it wasn’t an app I wanted to use,” says Maximilian, now a first-year student at Columbia University. “If you understand what other people are doing [on an app or device you don’t have access to], you can decide not to engage with it and be content with that decision.”

In other words, sometimes the unknown is more exciting than the reality. Nudge kids toward doing their own research about an app, which can help them understand why they want to use it and maybe help them set their own digital boundaries and reduce the impact of any peer pressure.

4. Offer age-appropriate alternatives.

Digital boundaries don’t have to sound like “never.” If you’re holding off until a child shows a certain level of maturity, offering alternatives can help bridge the gap.

“For example, a game like Fortnite might not be appropriate for a 9-year-old, but through resources like the Family Gaming Database, you can find a similar game with similar thrills that’s more age-appropriate,” says Elizabeth.

Alternatives can also be helpful for kids who worry about friendships.

“Whether I have a smartphone doesn’t determine if you can be my friend,” says Sylvie.

5. Connect the digital boundaries to your family’s values—but don’t lecture.

Explaining the “why” behind the “no” helps build trust. It can be helpful to connect the decision to family values and keep the conversation going.

Elizabeth urges parents to resist the urge to lecture. Instead of a long one-way “conversation” about why digital boundaries matter, try having several shorter real conversations over a longer period of time, asking questions to get your child’s perspective, too. It’s a strategy that, according to Maximilian, can also go a long way toward building consistency and trust.

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