What parents need to know about sadfishing

Maybe you’ve seen a social media post like this: A sad-looking selfie with a vaguely worded caption such as “feeling sad.” There’s a term for posting pictures like this to get instant attention: sadfishing.

What is sadfishing?

Simply put, sadfishing is when a person posts a sad story or image in order to receive more comments or reactions. The term comes from “phishing,” the online scam where someone tries to “fish” information out of you, like a phone number, email or home address. Sadfishing is similar, but it’s fishing for sympathy, not data.

Sadfishing can show up in a social media post, a private message or a group chat. Much like the false alarms in the story of the boy who cried wolf, posting too many sad, vague pictures will eventually backfire. The more a person sadfishes, the less interaction they’ll get. As with any addiction, this diminishing return could be damaging to mental health—which is why parents need to be aware and educate themselves on helpful approaches to any reaction.

Examples of sadfishing

Generally, a sadfishing post is highly personal and heavy on emotion. For example:

The sad selfie. The image shows the person crying, looking sad or off to the side. The caption is about life being super hard, or something even more vague, like “not again.”

Sad content. This could be a quote from a famous person, movie or song, maybe even a random quote. There’s usually a sad background, too—such as a touching nature scene—to amp up the emotion. Maybe “I’m so tired,” with a photo of someone making lemonade from lemons. Or simply something like “Sometimes all you need is a best friend, a long talk and lots of tears.”

Too much information. These posts are loaded with lots of details about struggles and could include a photo of the person at the hospital or in the doctor’s office.

How do you know if your teen is sadfishing?

As a responsible parent, it’s helpful to follow your kids on social media so you can spot opportunities to help guide age appropriate choices on social media.

If you see a post like the ones described, it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re sadfishing. If your kid breaks an arm and posts a photo from the hospital or doctor’s office, they’re probably just sharing what’s happening in their life. (But this may be a good opportunity to talk with them about their online identity and why many health-related issues might best be kept private.)

Behavior starts to drift into sadfishing if your kid is vague about why they’re sad, or if the post doesn’t match up with what you know is happening in their life. For example, they might share a photo from a doctor’s office, but they haven’t been to the doctor in months. A notable characteristic of sadfishing includes obsessively checking a post like this for comments and likes.

What parents can do about sadfishing

Most sadfishing posts fit into one of three levels. Each level involves you stepping in and to spend some one-on-one time with your kid, but without bringing up their specific post as the reason you’re reaching out.

Low level: Searching for attention. These posts are sad, vague and frequent, but your kid may still seem content–and even happy–off-line. Consider helping to provide this attention, directly and indirectly. For example, setting aside time, such as a regularly scheduled “date,” to hang out with your teen. Let your kid take the lead on these outings, but let them know that they’re loved for exactly who they are. Show genuine interest in their activities and what they love. Or, suggest and help foster bringing one or two of their friends together for an event or activity on a manageable regular basis which may help ease any lack of attention they may be feeling.

Medium level: A cry for attention. These posts stand out from what they typically post and can feel a little uncomfortable to read or emotionally charged as they over-share about a personal struggle. Maybe your teen is struggling with a particular topic in school, or they’re being bullied. Make time to talk with them about what’s going on and ask specific questions, like “Do you like all your teachers? Which one is your least favorite?” or “I haven’t seen you hanging out with Maddie lately, are you guys OK?”

High level: Making references to self-harm or other extreme behaviors. These should be taken very seriously and with the right sense of urgency based on the nature of the posts. Seek expert guidance and help from the right mental health professional immediately.

How to talk with your teens about sadfishing

Even if your teen isn’t sadfishing, it might be a good idea to talk to them about it during one of your regularly scheduled “dates.” You can help them understand what sadfishing is (and that it could backfire) and even how to spot it in their friends’ posts. Remind them that sadfishing can attract online predators or others looking to take advantage of vulnerable teens.

Also let them know that the best way to handle a friend’s sadfishing post is to respond to the person, not the post. What that means: Teach your kid, if they see a friend sadfishing,to reach out directly and say, “Hey! Let’s try to get together to hang out soon! We haven’t hung out in a while!”

In discussions with your kid, let them know it’s OK to be sad, but sadfishing isn’t a solution to the problem. After all, the more someone sadfishes, the less people will believe them, which is the opposite of the reaction the person is trying to get. Remind your teen that if they’re lonely or sad, they can spend time with friends, find ways to boost their self-esteem offline or ask for help. And they can always come to you.

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